What Are The Differences?

Everyone gets down in the dumps sometimes. Sometimes something can trigger a certain sadness that really has no obvious origin. In extreme cases this can drag out for long periods of time and become what doctors call "depression." It's difficult to spot, She's heard. When She's feeling a dragging sadness that lasts for what feels like forever, it's hard to not think of the medical alternative. However, after the episode, She questions the strength and liability of the event. She hates questioning Her own honesty to Herself. Talking about it just feels like She's whining about useless things; normally it is useless. Something insignificant can be the one thing to send Her down. When "down" She has no control of what She feels. Sometimes things are clearer to Her, sometimes everything is a million miles away through a fog. Her best art work comes from the deepened state of mind. Isn't it terrible that She has to be depressed to create something She's proud of?

She's struggled with this internal wreckage since She was a kid. At the time, She was unaware of what it really was, and expressed it through anger. Now She holds it in. She feels it simmer inside Her all the time. Even when times are going well, there's just a tang of being helpless within Her thoughts. It takes so much effort to make it go away for an event.

People don't like the depressed. They don't accept them. And why should they? We're no fun to be around. She's created a public profile. A face, if you will, that She can carry throughout the day to make Herself merge into society. She jokes, She laughs, She smiles. But She also remembers.

There are times for Her to feel genuinely okay. And for a matter of days, sometimes weeks, She can shove the hurt away. And right when She thinks that She's defeated this monster, it devours Her. And for days, sometimes weeks, after that, She's being sucked of energy. Her body is tired. Her mind is restless. She sleeps too often, as if to escape, only to dream of it and feel it's grip on Her. Tears well up behind Her closed eyelids. She decides to avoid sleep and the hell that goes with it. All that does is drain her.

During rehearsal, the energy She has to crank out to not only act onstage, but also to be the social person everyone likes and adore is so demanding.So when that person that She's working on the production with looks at Her when She's off guard and exhausted, forgetting to hide Her saddness, and that person says "Can you please just, STOP?"

She get's mad.

If She could "just stop" She would, okay? She's sorry that this inconveniences you.  She's sorry that she forgot to play the roll of Herself for you. She's sorry that she can't live up to the expectation everyone else holds for Her. And She's sorry that you can't see what She's dealing with, because if you could? You wouldn't be snapping your hypocritical oppinions at Her. She thought that the your marks would indicate that you understood what She felt. But you don't. She wasn't talking about it to you. She wasn't begging for your sympathy. And She wasn't doing the one thing that makes Her the most angry; pretending to feel this way. So. Many. People. Pretend. They pretend to be depressed. They pretend that they're hurting. What for? So they can get sympathy and attention. Anyone who struggles with it knows there is no needed sympathy. They want to be alone. So those pretenders, who act the part for maybe a three day span (if they're really dedicated), give it a derogatory twist. It's already bad enough. So go be sad, hurt, or angry. Be anything but the term "depressed," because attention whoring and momentary sadness is not it. Don't brag about it. Depressed people don't want to be depressed. And newsflash? They CAN get mad. They're not pushovers all the time. She gets pissed. She gets so angry with everything. She never speaks about it. She never retaliates.

She tried to fix Her imperfections. She just wanted to be normal in a crowd, but extraordinary when examined. In turn She successfully ruined Her self image and didn't even accomplish Her original goals.

Given a second chance She probably would have done it all again.

And that's the part that gets to Her the most.